Hear You Me
by Life's Crash Test Dummy
Summary: "Kaylie is in the hospital, but the Olympics waits for no one. Not nearly enough time has passed for people to forget what happened, but they have and it makes me sick." Austin loses himself in guilt and Payson shows him where he needs to be. Paystin KA


**Title**: Hear You Me

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything related to Make It or Break It and I don't own the song from which the title is taken. The former is ABC Family's hot mess and the latter is the awesomeness that is and forever will be Jimmy Eat World.

**Author's note**: I sort of got bribed to write this. As much as I enjoy and support the Paystin Revolution, I'm keeping my cute Kaylicky avatar on my profile. That, after all, was the bribe. I don't know about this. I'm still trying to get the characterization down and writing Payson freaks me out. I'll let you be the judge of how it turned out.

* * *

**Hear You Me **

He can't date cute tan, dark-haired girls anymore. Kaylie Cruz made sure of that.

When he's on his fifth beer at a seedy, smoky bar and a girl, assisted by liquid courage as usual, flirts with him (regardless of if she knows he's _the_ Austin Tucker or just Hot Guy in Bar) he'll take her home as long as:

1. She isn't a cute, tan dark-haired girl

And

2. Her name isn't anything remotely close to "Kaylie"

Because he fucked up. Seriously, he's Austin Tucker. He should be used to it by now, but there's something about this time that struck him harder than all the others. There's something deeper, snaked around the heart he never knew he had. Seeing Kaylie in that hospital bed, machines beeping, tubes painfully piercing her skin, like some sort of science project gone sadistic, something in him snaps. It's like dragging a blade across old, emotional wounds and now he's bleeding out.

No one tells him anything. The Cruz family keeps up a barrier like she's sleeping beauty locked away at the top of a tower. They hover. They shelter. It's baffling how these people, her so-called loved ones, haven't noticed her deteriorating situation sooner. Then again, it's always hard to accept what you don't want to believe.

When this happened to his sister, Austin permanently occupied the chair at her bedside and he saw her through the recovery process. He barely left, not for training, not when the doctors asked him to. Luckily, she recovered and Austin donated money to an organization fighting eating disorders geared towards gymnasts. They got through the hard part and all it was after that was a cautionary tale.

This time, this girl isn't his sister. He really doesn't know what Kaylie is to him. She starts out as just another girl, a plaything to past the time until Emily finally gives in to his advances or until he finds something prettier and less hostile. Now he finds himself invested. Cupid shot him with that arrow and it digs in a little deeper every time he thinks of how his actions were the equivalent to nothing.

It still eats away at him that he knew. He fucking knew since before the day at the lake. That single, excruciating thought is what has him awake at 3 AM. He guzzles a forty like he needs it to live and prays the alcohol will make everything disappear. He saw her breaking herself down little bit little and he talked to her, but especially after his sister, he should have known just talking wouldn't be enough. It never is. He never _is_.

Austin drinks till his head goes foggy and eventually he blacks out. He doesn't know what he does once he blacks out. Sometimes he'll wake up with some girl in his bed or wake up in some girl's bed or wake up outdoors and have no idea how the hell he got there. Usually he just laughs it off and does it over again. Now his unconscious misadventures bring him no sense of glee. It just reminds him how empty he is, how numb he's become. Regardless, he does it again anyways.

After all, everyone has a different definition of dealing and that's his.

Sometimes he even convinces himself that what is done is done. He didn't make her that way. He tried and that's all anyone can ask for. Still, he lets the guilt push him out the door. Austin slips his arms through his leather jacket and he hits up the crowded bars with the hot CU undergrads looking to blow off steam. He'll buy some girl a drink and if she meets his two-point criteria then he'll introduce her to Lolita and then his bed.

He's Austin Fucking Tucker. The bad boy of gymnastics. He's just giving the people what they want. They want to see him almost drink himself into a coma and then do a Front Ariel with perfect execution. They want him to have a girl under each arm and stumble through the streets and start fights with guys with tattoos for no reason. So that's what he does. He's a performer till the very end.

Austin can't say his gymnastics has suffered, but he isn't training. He's forever raw talent and little discipline and somehow he's always made that work. To be honest, Austin has never felt accepted at the Rock, not entirely. That's why Austin isn't surprised when the only missed calls he has are from Carter. He doesn't call him back. At one point he just stops charging his phone and it lies there on his bedside, lifeless.

The one day he does make it to the Rock, it's like the first day all over again, expect now instead of people swooning and trying to build up the nerve to ask for his autograph, everyone sends him uncertain, unnerving expressions. He can't remember the last time he's showered. It's been even longer since he's shaved. He's missing a shoe and he doesn't even know why he's here in the first place. He didn't bring his gym bag and he's too hungover to move.

Austin goes into the observation room meant for the parents and he plops right down. He earns some uncertain, shifty glances from parents and he remains the only one in their for majority of the day. He just watches. He watches girls go on like Kaylie didn't starve herself for this sport. They go on like they don't notice the girl in the pink leotard missing. They go on with their lives and it's disgusting.

"Have you gone to see her yet?"

"Huh?"

"Kaylie," Payson Keeler says from the door. Austin flinches at the very sound of her name.

"Oh."

It's silent and only then Austin realizes the Rock is nearly empty except for the two of them.

"I'll take that as a no. Okay then, I'm just going to leave," Payson says, turning right around. Her back stiffens and she gets this expression on her face that looks like it belongs to a rabbit avoiding a farmer. It's the same face Austin remembers seeing on her face as she tactlessly avoided Sasha in the weeks prior to the Worlds team tryouts.

"Keeler, have you ever had an ant farm before?"

Payson stops, halfway out the door. She turns and looks over at Austin. As easily as Payson could have pretended that she didn't hear him, that lost look on his face is too hard to ignore. Payson imagines that's what her face looked like when Sasha told her to find a new dream during Open House.

"An ant farm?" Payson mimics curiously. "I don't see what this has to do with—"

"Come sit with me," he says. His voice is so deep and so rough. His words sound more like a command than anything else and by the look on Payson's face, she doesn't appreciate it. Austin groans and drags his palm down the sharp stubble of his cheek. "I don't bite, Keeler. Just…sit."

Each step she takes towards him is heavy with caution, but eventually she sits down, keeping an entire cold, plastic chair between them. Austin could use this to tease the hell out of, but he just doesn't have the heart right now. After all, teasing with Austin Tucker always turns into flirting and he isn't ready to completely scare her away or offend her just yet. Austin stares forward, past the glass wall and out at the empty gym and the lonely equipment. He can feel Payson staring at him.

"Well, Austin, this has been fun and all, but I do have a curfew—"

"So you've never had one of those ant farms?" Austin asks, chancing a glance in her direction. "You know, one of those big plastic things with the sand and the glass on both sides. Then you put ants in it and they tunnel through the sand and basically build their empire."

"Can't say I have," Payson says, still not sure why she's even having this conversation. It isn't like they've ever really talked to each other before. "I'm assuming you have."

"Nope," Austin replies.

Now Payson is really confused. What's his point? Honestly, she's stopped trying to understand the workings of boys, especially Austin Tucker, quite a while ago.

"Why would you need an ant farm when you've got the Rock?" Austin asks, motioning towards the glass wall of the observation room. Payson catches on pretty quickly. "It's the same concept if you think about it. All with a common purpose. Working to them is like living and breathing. They can't do anything, but. _This_ is an ant farm."

"Are you getting all philosophical on me, Tucker?" Payson asks, trying to lighten the suddenly tense room. She twiddles her thumbs and crosses and uncrosses her ankles while Austin remains perfectly still.

"I just want to know why. Unlike the ants, we have a choice," he says, fisting the material of his shorts with his curled fingers. "We choose to be here, come here every day and for what? If this sport, this lifestyle, can possibly put us in the hospital, then why do we even do it? Why do we bother?"

"I can't speak for you or anyone else, but gymnastics is all I've ever wanted. I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing. I tried the normal teenager thing and I still ended up right back here, in the ant farm," Payson explains. "I guess it's because I love it."

"What's love?" Austin asks, looking like he genuinely wants to know. There's this light to his dark, nearly smoldering eyes and Payson wants to think it's the lighting in the room. To think any more is just too frightening of a thought. She isn't ready to see Austin Tucker as anything more than a bad boy cliché. At least not yet, definitely not with what's happened recently.

Payson feels the conversation drifting into unfamiliar territory and so she laughs.

"Believe me, Tucker," Payson says, starting to relax more and more in his presence. She closes her eyes and lets her shoulders drop by a margin. "I am probably the worst person in this entire ant farm to ask that specific question."

"Heh, I guess that makes us kindred spirits," Austin says with a sad smile. Payson doesn't know what that's supposed to mean or how she's supposed to respond. Her lips part to say something, but Austin just laughs, seeing her squirm. It's been so long since that last time he's laughed. The sound comes out almost cruel and foreign.

"See, I knew smart girls appreciate analogies," Austin says smoothly.

"I'll admit it makes sense."

"You know, you're not bad company, Keeler," he says. "We should hang out some time."

"Fat chance," Payson snorts.

"I could teach you how to drive my motorcycle," he suggests.

"If that was some crude innuendo—"

"Who the hell uses the word 'innuendo' in casual conversation?" Austin asks weakly. He continues to stare through the glass, at what Payson will never know. "Only you, Keeler. Only you."

"If we're done here, I think it's time for me to go—"

"Would you hate me if I told you I knew?" Austin asks. His fingers are shaking along with his voice. Payson turns all her attention to Austin as he leans forward in his seat. "If I were you I'd hate me. Hell, I do hate me. Do you know the real fucked up part? I went through this before…with my sister. I couldn't save her then. I couldn't save Kaylie either."

"Austin," she says in a voice softer than he'd expect. "You couldn't…Austin, this sport is built on pressure. It gets to the best of us. With people constantly reminding her that she was the National Champion and that she needed to be a certain way, it got to Kaylie. It's sad, but it happened."

Austin scoffs. "Tell yourself whatever you need to make you sleep better at night. Me, Keeler, I prefer Jack Daniels and less lies."

There's a growl to his voice as he says it and if she were anyone, but Payson Keeler, she probably would be shrinking away in fear. Payson just closes her eyes for a moment and lets his words pass through her. Slowly, she reopens her eyes and looks over at Austin. He tries to make it seem like he's fidgeting, but Payson knows he's trembling.

"You know what's the worst part?" Austin asks. "The worst part is that I couldn't even stomach driving past this place, but people that have known her all her life just came right back here because, sure, Kaylie Cruz is in the hospital, but the Olympics waits for no one. Not nearly enough time has passed for people to just forget what happened, but they have and it makes me sick."

Payson knows she shouldn't take it personally, but it plows into her like a car out of control. She narrows her eyes, warning the tears to stay the fuck away. She's cried and blubbered enough already. She promised herself that the Rock would be a No Tears Zone. Austin just has to break every single rule.

"I really do care about her," Austin says aloud. Hearing the way he says it, the delicacy in his voice, Payson can't help, but inwardly wince. Pretending not to notice, Austin continues, "I don't know if it's love. Hell, I don't know _what love is_, but…I do care."

"I knew," Payson replies. "I could tell."

Austin sighs and leans back in his chair. "That's all I ask."

Payson doesn't even announce that she's leaving. She just stands, trying to keep herself together. She moves towards the door and Austin doesn't stop her. At the last minute, Payson pauses and looks back at him. Her eyes are thick with tears and the very sight of her has Austin's breath hitch high in his throat. It's the first time he's felt something so powerful and emotional in so long.

"Maybe I lied when I said I do this because I love it," Payson manages to choke out. The tears break at the brim of her eyes and spilt down her cheeks in single streaks. "Maybe I do it because it's the only thing that keeps me moving. It's the only thing that keeps me from actually thinking about what happened to my best friend."

Austin has no clue what to say. Even if he did, he couldn't. He's too busy trying to keep from completely breaking down. Payson turns back around, but she doesn't move.

With her back to him, Payson murmurs, "Oh and Austin…"

She rests there and Austin feels he's going crazy in the newfound silences.

"What now, Keeler? Reconsidering learning how to take Lolita for a spin?" he asks in the only way he knows how – humorously. He lets out a husky laugh, realizing what an unexpected sob fest this moment has turned into. Austin keeps looking at her as if nothing is wrong, as if they aren't both silently crying and wordlessly dying.

Payson and her teary eyes just give him one last look and not with pity like he'd expect. Not condescendingly either. Just honest to God staring.

"You should really hit the showers. You smell worse than a gym bag at the end of the week."

Payson doesn't even crack a smile and her words are so blunt that Austin can't help, but laugh. It makes the tears spill from his eyes and graze his cheeks before hitting the ground. He keeps laughing hysterically and Payson just shakes her and starts walking away. Austin likes to think she's smiling now that she isn't facing him. He refuses to be proven wrong so his next words are nothing more than whispers beneath his breath.

"Thank you, Keeler."

The next day, when Austin comes into the Rock, ready and revving for practice, he sees Payson Keeler sitting in the observation room, just watching, maybe with philosophical thoughts of her own brewing in that head of hers. Austin just smiles to himself and makes his way to the locker room to start his first day back.

…

Payson doesn't know what to think when Austin shows up on her doorstep with flowers. He looks nervous which is odd because she's seen him before so many meets and competitions and he's never rattled like this. She wants to question how the hell he got her address, but with the expression on his face it seems there are more pressing matters at hand.

"I need you to come with me," he says simply.

"M—My mom won't let me near your motorcycle," she replies automatically. It is the truth.

"Exactly why I brought the car," Austin says, motioning behind him. Payson leans to the side a little and sees his black sports car with the imported Italian leather seats. She fishes her brain for any other excuses, but comes up empty.

"Where are we going?" Payson asks cautiously.

Austin breathes a heavy sigh. "We're going to visit Kaylie."

Of all the things he could have said, Payson didn't expect that one.

"Is it your first time?" Payson asks gently.

"Yes, Keeler, I am a graveyard virgin," he responds. His voice isn't attacking or bitter like it had been that night at the Rock almost a week ago. Payson likes to think he sincerely made an attempt at playfulness and that's why Payson grabs a jacket, explains her plans to her mother and follows him out to his car.

As they make the long trek up the hill, sneakers crushing grass too green with a sky too blue as their backdrop, Austin hums softly to himself, nervously swinging the bouquet of flowers in his hand. It took him a good fifteen minutes down in the parking lot and a patented Payson Keeler pep talk before he even started weaving through the rows and rows of headstones, looking for hers.

When they finally reach the one inscribed with Kaylie Cruz, Austin lays down the flowers and falls to his knees. There is no sobbing, no long monologue or soliloquy. He simply presses his palm to the cold marble of the marking and there's something so intimate in that, Payson can't bear to watch. She starts to shuffle away, maybe give him a moment alone, but Austin stops her and insists she stay. Payson sits beside Austin in front of Kaylie's stone, curling her legs beneath her.

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time," Austin sings, almost inaudibly. Payson looks over at him, tucking her long, loose blonde tresses behind her ear. He's a not the best singer and completely tone deaf, but it makes Payson smile nonetheless. "A song for a heart so big…God couldn't let it live."

"May angels lead you in," Payson continues for him, softer, more feminine. Austin closes his eyes for a moment and swears she sounds like an angel. "Hear you me my friends. On sleepless roads the sleepless go. May angels lead you in…"

Austin traces her name with the tip of his finger while his other hand tightly clutches Payson's.

"Goodbye, Kaylie," he whispers. "And I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

_Fini _


End file.
